原文:http://blackjacksr.com/stuff/Humor/Humor010.htm
“想成为”大学
Wannabe U
School Of Melee
MEL101 Basic Melee Training
Using your fists, why it's always nice to have a knife, why it's nicer to have an sword.
MEL150 Intermediate Melee Training
Why it's even nicer to have an axe.
MEL210 Advanced Unarmed Combat
Going for the face.
MEL211 Advanced Blunt Weapons
Going for the head.
MEL212 Advanced Bladed Weapons
Going for anything.
MEL300 Monowhips
Going for your own face.
School Of Projectile Weapons
DISSOLVED (due to lack of popularity)
近战学院
MEL101 基本近战训练
使用你的拳头、为什么匕首好、为什么刀剑优。
MEL50 中级近战训练
为什么斧子更甚一筹。
MEL210 进阶徒手战斗
打脸。
MEL211 进阶钝器
打头。
MEL212 进阶利刃武器
打任意部位。
MEL300 单丝鞭
打你自己的脸。
投掷武器学院
取消(人数不足)
School Of Firearms
FIR101 Basic Firearms Training
How to load a clip, which way to point the barrel, how to fire a Warhawk without cracking your forehead in half when the gun flies up due to recoil.
FIR150 Intermediate Firearms Training
The concept of automatic weapons, learning to fire off massive amounts of ammo without necessarily hitting anything.
FIR210 Advanced Pistols
How firing two of them simultaneously makes it difficult to rotate your wrists in the morning.
FIR211 Advanced Rifles
How to get them through security by using the "Goin' huntin'" excuse.
FIR212 Advanced SMGs
How, despite what the movies show, your clip tends to last less time than it took to load it.
FIR213 Advanced Assault Rifles
How leaning on your AK with the barrel in the dirt is a good way to lose a hand.
FIR310 Sniping Weapons
How to lose friends and honor by shooting people in the back from nearly a kilometer away.
FIR315 Grenade Launchers
The best way to cause enormous collateral damage AND call the cops at the same time.
FIR320 Light Machine Guns
An introduction to excessive firepower.
枪械学院
FIR01 基础枪械训练
如何上弹夹、如何在枪身因后座乱动时不把额头敲成两半的条件下让战鹰开火。
FIR150 中级枪械训练
自动武器的概念、学习如何射出大量子弹而不击中任何东西。
FIR210 进阶手枪
如何同使用两把手枪以便让你的手腕第二天早上难以转动。
FIR211 进阶步枪
如何用“打猎去”这个借口让它们通过安检。
FIR212 进阶SMG
为什么,虽然和电影演的不一样,你的弹夹通常能支撑的时间比上弹花的时间要短。
FIR213 进阶突击步枪
为什么把枪管戳进土里靠在AK上是个失去一只手的好方法。
FIR310 狙击武器
如何因为隔一公里射击他人背部而失去朋友和荣誉。
FIR315 榴弹发射器
同时造成大量附带损失以及招来警察的最好方式。
FIR320 轻机枪
额外火力入门
School Of Gunnery
GUN101 Basic Gunnery
Where the engine of a vehicle is located, why you should shoot this engine, why you should not shoot this engine with a gunnery weapon while the cops are around.
GUN150 Intermediate Gunnery
Introduction to the concepts of "hosing" and "body count".
GUN210 Advanced Machine Guns
Finding some place to hide them, finding out that they are large and that it is difficult to find a place to hide them.
GUN211 Advanced Assault Cannons
Saying it with sabots.
GUN212 Advanced Missile Weapons
The concept of "fragmentation", why AVMs are called AVMs, why these AVMs do not hit people, why these AVMs usually hit the warmest target behind the people, why this target is not necessarily something you want to hit.
GUN310 Vehicle Weapons
Why you can't just carry them around, hitting moving targets from 15km away.
炮术学院
GUN101 基础炮术
载具的引擎在哪、为什么应该射引擎、为什么不应该在警方附近用炮术武器射这个引擎。
GUN150 中级炮术
“喷水式射击”和“死亡人数”概念入门。
GUN210 进阶机枪
找地方藏、研究为什么它们那么大以及那么难藏。
GUN211 进阶突击加农炮
和穿甲弹一起念。
GUN212 进阶导弹武器
“破片”的概念、为什么AVM(反载具导弹)被称作AVM,为什么AVM不打人、为什么这些AVM通常会击中人后面温度最高的目标、为什么该目标不一定是你想击中的。
GUN310 载具武器
为什么你不能随身携带、从15公里之外击中移动目标。
School Of Explosives
EXP101 Basic Explosives
How to not blow yourself up.
EXP150 Intermediate Explosives
How to blow up everything but yourself.
EXP210 Advanced Grenades
The concept of "scatter" and why this is bad. The concept of "chunky salsa" and why this is good.
EXP211 Advanced Plastique
Molding your explosives into hilarious bunny shapes.
EXP300 Large Scale Demolitions
Finding the basement.
爆破学院
EXP101 基础爆破
如何不把自己炸飞
EXP150 中等爆破
如何把除了你之外的所有东西炸飞。
EXP210 进阶榴弹
“偏斜”的概念以及它为什么糟。“浓稠莎莎酱”的概念以及它为什么好。
EXP211 进阶塑性炸药
将你的爆炸物捏成搞笑的兔子形状。
EXP300 大规模爆破
找到地下室。
School Of Athletics
ATH101 Basic Athletics
How to fall properly.
ATH150 Intermediate Athletics
How to fall and still be able to fire your gun.
ATH200 Advanced Athletics
How to not fall at all.
运动学院
ATH101 基础运动
如何恰当地跌倒。
ATH150 中级运动
如何在跌倒时能够开枪。
ATH200 进阶运动
如何不跌倒。
School Of Stealth
STE101 Basic Stealth
Why dry leaves are bad.
STE150 Intermediate Stealth
The best way to silently scale a building while hauling fifty kilograms of weaponry.
STE200 Advanced Stealth
Why it's best to leave the fifty kilograms of weaponry at home.
隐匿学院
STE101 基础隐匿
为什么干叶子不好。
STE150 中级隐匿
背着50公斤物品安静地攀爬建筑的最好方式。
STE200 进阶隐匿
为什么最好把50公斤武器留在家里。
School Of Medicine
MED101 Basic Biotech
Introduction to the Stim-Patch.
MED150 Intermediate Biotech
Introduction to the Trauma-Patch
MED200 Advanced Biotech
Why neither a Stim or Trauma-Patch works on an Assault Cannon victim.
医疗学院
MED101 基础生物技术
兴奋贴入门
MED150 中级生物技术
创伤贴入门
MED200 进阶生物技术
为什么兴奋贴和创伤贴都对突击加农炮伤员无效。
School Of Computers
COM101 Basic Computers
Where the switch is.
COM150 Intermediate Computers
How there is always somebody with a better deck than you.
COM210 Advanced Programming
Searching through 50,000 lines of Attack Program code for the one glitch that allowed that Blaster to stomp your face in last weekend.
COM211 Advanced Decking
Why red nodes are a bitch.
COM310 System Infiltration
Disguising yourself as a piece of fan mail to Renreku's CEO.
COM315 Combat Decking
Kicking butt in the matrix in less than a nanosecond.
计算机学院
COM101 基础计算机
开关在哪.
COM150 中级计算机
为什么总有人的碟板比你的好。
COM210 进阶编程
在攻击程序的5万行代码中寻找一处上周末让冲击波踢你脸上的错误。
COM211 进阶骇入
为什么十级主机是个臭婊子。
COM310 系统渗透
把你自己伪装成一封粉丝邮件发给联络的CEO。
COM315 战斗骇入
在矩阵的一纳秒内踢爆。
School Of Electronics
ELE101 Basic Electronics
Why getting shocked is bad.
ELE150 Intermediate Electronics
How the one door your really, really need to get through will always have a lock that none of your three hundred tools will work on.
ELE210 Advanced Surveillance
Why pictures of a top corporate official having intercourse with a hooker and various other forms of life are worth a thousand nuyen.
ELE211 Advanced Jamming
Police bands, corporate sat links, and your enemy's favorite radio station.
电子学学院
ELE101 基础电子学
为什么被电击很糟。
ELE150 中级电子学
为什么你非常非常非常需要通过的一扇门上总有一把你的三百件工具都打不开的锁。
ELE210 进阶监控
为什么一位高层公司职员和妓女之间交媾和其它各种生命形式的照片价值一千新円。
ELE211 进阶干扰
警用频段、公司卫星链,以及你的敌人最喜欢的电台。
School Of Magic
MAG101 Basic Magic
Exciting new ways to lose consciousness.
MAG150 Intermediate Magic
Why getting your spells locks blown isn't fun.
MAG210 Advanced Sorcery
Burning, blasting, and transforming your way to a large ego.
MAG211 Advanced Conjuring
Why conjured spirits are not necessarily your "pals".
MAG310 Astral Space
And you thought there was scary stuff on this plane of existence...
MAG315 Initiation
Wonderful ways to make people really, really, really, afraid of you.
魔法学院
MAG101 基础魔法
失去意识的新奇又刺激的方式。
MAG150 中级魔法
为什么让你的维持法器炸掉不好玩。
MAG210 进阶巫术
燃烧、爆炸、变形,让你获得极大虚荣。
MAG211 进阶咒术
为什么召唤的精魂并不一定是你的“伙伴”。
MAG310 星界空间
你以为这个位面存在恐怖的东西……
MAG315 启蒙
超棒的让人们非常、非常、非常害怕你的方式。
School Of Vehicular Science
VEH101 Basic Vehicles
Why a red light does not necessarily mean you have to stop.
VEH150 Intermediate Vehicles
Why a barricade does not necessarily mean you have to stop.
VEH210 Advanced Ground Vehicles
Avoiding speeding tickets, avoiding highways, avoiding traffic jams, avoiding the laws of physics.
VEH211 Advanced Aircraft
Seattle to San Fran in less time than it takes to spit on the floor of your favorite bar.
VEH212 Advanced Marine Vehicles
Introduction to the existence of large, scary, ocean going creatures who have tentacles as long as five of your boats put together.
VEH300 Rigging
How to jump an opening draw bridge, land vertically, roll eighteen times, tumble into the water, float down the river, wash up on the bank, get out, and remark: "Damn, scratched the paint."
载具科学学院
VEH101 基础载具
为什么红灯一定不意味着你要停。
VEH150 中级载具
为什么路障不一定意味着你要停。
VEH210 进阶地面载具
避开超速罚单、避开高速路、避开交通堵塞、避开物理法则。
VEH211 进阶空中载具
从西雅图到三藩市的时间比在你最喜欢的酒吧里吐痰的事件要短。
VEH212 进阶水上载具
触手有你的五条船加起来那么长的巨型恐怖海洋生物入门。
VEH300 跳入
如何跃过开启的吊桥、垂直落地、翻滚十八次、落入水中、沿河漂流、冲上岸边,下车,然后说:“该死,蹭掉漆了。”